Well well well, looks like I'm back on blog writin' duty, fellers.
It's yer ol' Texas technician Dell here - that crazy fella who usually writes for y'all asked me to take over so he could “take another bath”. Lucky for him, his brain can’t even begin to comprehend what’s being goin’ on in the labs.
While Digital Directive was a hard fought battle for the team, it’s been mighty fine for me. Between killing them brainless bucket of bolt robots with mah sentries and drinking from cases of beer, I’ve been able to perform more in-depth research in them fancy weapon-systems the old coot’s crammed into his new n’ improved killin machines. I gotta’ admit, Gray Mann has really stepped up his game when it comes up with interestin’ ways to kill us.
Our first piece of work: A Brick. Made from hardened clay, melted together at over 1,000 degrees Celsius, supposedly infused with blood - getting whacked in the head by one of these would cause some significant damage to your enemies noggin’. Learnin’ from this, we’ve taken as many bricks as we could find from around our warehouses and given them to our neighbourhood Sniper by the truckload - now hows that for some southern hospitality! If an enemy gets hit in the head by one of these bad boys from a good way over yonder, the damage inflicted should be mighty painful, more than enough to cause significant bleedin’; That’s gotta smart!
This second one I dug out from the scrap heaps myself: A rusty six-shooter, with my name on it (not literally, mind you.) Now, I think it's been long overdue I get myself a proper piece fit for a Texan, but not just any old skeet shooter will do for this cowpoke. After some fine craftsmanship from yours truly, this bad boy can have any sorry-ass merc cryin’ for mama in two shakes of a cow’s bell. Suffice to say, if any self-respectin' cowboy comes across someone with this gun, they better high tail it to the next county over, or pray to god they've got the quicker hand.
Next thing we got here is actually a request from that rat-scoundrel Spy, if y'all can believe it. Barged into my workshop right ‘round 3 in the morning, covered in scorch marks and waving around that piece he got from some wetwork down in the Amazon demandin’ I “make ‘zis thing useful” - I woulda socked him right there in his snail eatin’ mouth if it weren’t for that damn favor he cashed in. I went and started workin’ on the knife and wouldn’t you know, turns out someone else went to tinkerin’ with it already - there was a whole mess of circuitry embedded under the carvings. By patchin’ it into the power bank of that fancy spytech watch he’s got, it should have enough juice to send that sentry sapper flyin’ across the battlefield one leap at a time - I reckon that frog’s finally got his legs!
And of course I reckon y’all wanna hear bout them new arenas to test these new fancy, re-engineered, weapons. Well, fellas, I got good news - the whole lot of us got deeded a couple of world heritage sites as thanks for preventin’ the robot apocalypse for the second time in a row - and seein’ as conundrums of philosophy just ain’t my specialty, I figured it would be best to set em up as exotic new locales for some good ol fashioned roughhousing.
Alrighty, last thing on this here list before we can all get back to fightin proper. The latest shipment from HQ ended up being a buncha hats, special ordered to - hold on just a minute, they lefta note for this - “satiate those crazy sons of bitches before they try killing me in my sleep” - shucks, we really got a reputation goin, don’t we!
So I suppose that’s that then, see y’all out on the battlefield with my new inventions! Don’t forget to suggest any changes in the nearest, sentry guarded, suggestion drop-box. Happy Killin, y’all!